20 Signs You’re a People Pleaser and Don’t Realize It

I see a huge problem among us women, especially when women are in a relationship. This problem is the problem of pleasing all the time. Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving. And more often than not, truly giving to someone is counter-intuitive. And many women mistake pleasing for giving. The trap: Your own feminine mindset.

Pleaser Women Always Lose Out – The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving

They reveal patterns and behaviors that did not serve them for years, which could have led to the demise of their marriage were it not for an ultimatum and decision during a huge argument — which ultimately created an opening that changed the trajectory of their marriage. White and Garrett J. Ask Yourself: Who is typically the hot-headed one in your relationship?

How does this affect your communication? Ask Yourself: Inside conflict within your marriage, who typically avoids, and who typically initiates?

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I​.

She said if there was anyone in the world who had a problem with her , that was their issue, not hers. This explosion can manifest outward, for example, in a fit of temper, or it can turn inward, calcifying into resentment and depression. So why am I, along with so many other people, wired this way? Were we born like this, or were we made?

Not surprisingly, codependents and people-pleasers both tend to pick up this behavior in childhood. Short answer: no. Yes and no. They key, says Earley, is examining your own motivations. Growing up in a household where one or both of your parents struggled with addiction, mental illness, or their own codependent issues may have caused you to feel insecure and fearful; people-pleasing may have been a coping mechanism that you developed for the sake of your own survival.

LeCrone encourages role-playing with his clients; they literally practice saying no.

7 Reasons People Pleasers Pick The Wrong Partners

Hint: Telling you what you want to hear isn’t loving People Pleasers Pleasers are the ultimate shape-shifters.

People-pleasers feel their needs are selfish, and are caught between guilt and anxiety saying no or resentment if they say A people-pleaser isn’t just being big​-hearted or kind to others. 5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist.

He and I had been getting close over the course of a few weeks, and it seemed like an appropriate time for us to take our physical intimacy to the next level. I could feel his strong desire for me, and while I also felt desire for him, there was a little problem. It was just how I felt. Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place. While cuddling at his place, I could feel my fear and discomfort rising, knowing I was going to have to tell him soon.

So, I gathered my courage and started to share. I scanned him to see his initial reaction. He seemed emotionally open and compassionate, so I kept going. This is my truth right now, and I have to stand by it. It was terrifying to say those words to him, but it also felt like such a weight had lifted. I was proud to stand by myself like that — to honor my truth!

And I was completely shocked by how he responded.

People Pleasers as Romantic Partners

I can be less of a people-pleaser, if, you know, that pleases you. During any sort of social interaction, be it with a friend, a family member, or the girl taking my order at the coffee shop, I strive to behave in a way that will make the other person as happy as possible. Obviously, this causes problems in all areas of life, but it has an especially profound effect on my romantic endeavors.

Not if that involves giving up their interests, values, or overall identity. People-pleasers, however, are so accustomed to adjusting their behavior to match different situations that they end up losing that inherent sense of self that is essential for romantic success or, for that matter, any other kind of genuine fulfillment.

What is so sad about “people pleasers” is that they are dependent on love that sources from the outside. I grew up as a “people pleaser” and lived that way as a married woman for 15 years, although I Men and Dating.

Are you a people pleaser? I was! In fact, growing up, I majored in pleasing others. So I worked at being indispensable. My pattern of over-giving had great benefits—or so I thought. All my relationships were one-sided: me the giver of time and favors and others happy to receive my generosity. It didn’t even occur to me to question this imbalance in my relationships; in my mind, that was simply the way the world worked.

I never said no to a request. And I was continually overcommitted, overwhelmed, feeling rushed and exhausted—and miserable. Then one day, I noticed a recurring theme in my life: resentment. What most often followed my giving was resentment.

Who Do You Want Me To Be? Why People-Pleasers Struggle To Find Love

People-pleasing is a strong trait of the youth. But how far would you go to please someone else? And what would you be willing to give up just to make others happy?

People-pleasers are the kindest people. They work with everyone, make few demands, and are always willing to give an ear or a hand. It doesn’t.

They are easy-going, nice to be around and never complain…to your face. The pleaser has plenty of friends who always know they can count on her whenever a crisis arises. She makes a great employee and will put in extra time and effort because she thrives on accolades from her boss and co-workers. This persona of being a pleaser is not your true self, it is merely a mask that your ego created to protect you from other people.

The pleaser persona makes you put other people above yourself because you fear judgment, abandonment or even anger from others. You reject the part of you who wants to speak the truth about how you really feel because that is just too dangerous to let out. This pleaser persona puts you into a lose-lose situation. You please everyone except the one person who really needs that love…and that is yourself.

A pleaser will attract romantic relationships that always leave her feeling unappreciated, abandoned and not good enough. Potential partners will seem to be selfish, uncaring and other things in their life job, family, other women will seem to have higher priority that her.

How to go from being the Pleaser to the Prize in Dating

And perhaps even more relevant given that just under half of marriages end in divorce, what are the most common reasons given for divorce that can inform what it would be helpful to discuss before you even get married? A lack of trust in yourself can be easy to cover up and ignore for a while. But we can all think of people, maybe ourselves, who are great at what they do, but are riddled with doubts and self-criticism. When we have built that foundation, we can make a mistake or hear criticism and our confidence remains intact.

At this time, our connection with each other is more important than ever. Social distancing is making that harder.

A person with sociotropy or a “people-pleaser” addictively puts the needs of Relationship/Writing Coach & Writer on love, dating, and self.

Read over these statements to see if they apply to you under some circumstances:. If these statements fit you in certain situations, you may have a People-Pleaser Pattern. You may be pleasing only with certain people or in certain situations. If the above statements fit someone you know, this article can you help you understand them and how to relate to them more effectively. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing this, but there is a part of your psyche that wants to please others in order to avoid reactions that you are afraid of.

Joe immediately feels bad and tries to figure out how to give her what she wants.


From the time they are children all the way to adulthood, society conditions women to keep sweet and seek approval. That can get us into a lot of trouble. When we do what other people want and what they expect us to do, we end up denying our own needs. Our culture hits us from different sides with many confusing, conflicting messages that compel us to deny our needs.

Being a people-pleaser will pull you away from your true self and send you down a path that will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and with the wrong person. When you live in a culture that focuses on shallow values like sex, youth, and impossible beauty standards, you might think that being a sex object is the only way to find happiness and love.

They have no backbone. Your partner also tells family, friends, or coworkers what he or she thinks they want to hear — even when you know what your mate said is not the truth.

But dating a people pleaser is on a whole other level. In the midst of trying to make and keep everyone around them happy, the people pleaser oftentimes sabotages their own goals and desires — including their romantic relationship. The Kelleher International matchmaking team explores the ins and outs of dating a people pleaser. Consider this advice for handling your romance if your partner prioritizes the needs of family, friends, or coworkers over your relationship. However, as the romance becomes more serious people pleasing can cause relationship issues.

At Kelleher, we recommend dating with your eyes open. Notice and never ignore red flags. We live in a busy age where people can be clueless as to how their behavior is affecting others. The Kelleher Matchmaking team agrees that the biggest key to handling the situation is open dialogue and healthy communication. In turn, ask your partner to vocalize their own needs. Knowing that information, be sensitive to this personality difference and try your best to listen between their words, make room for their desires, and not overpower the relationship.

Getting your needs met with an outside people pleaser requires compromise. That will give your partner designated opportunities to show up for the other important people in their life without you feeling slighted or caught off guard.

Date Your Wife Podcast Episode #96: People Pleaser or Conflict Avoider?

Some might say there are two kinds of people in our world: givers and takers. From this perspective, people pleasers would appear on the surface to be givers. They seem to have only positive qualities: accommodating, kind, generous, thoughtful, etc. However, pleasing can also be a way to influence others in order to win approval, acceptance, safety, stability, and love.

A people-pleaser needs to find someone who enjoys attention and being I have been dating a man for 3 years who is an extreme people pleaser, and can.

Are you too accommodating in your daily life—so much so that it’s actually a hindrance to your work? Well, you might be a people pleaser. While it’s a great set of skills to be able to work with others hello, interpersonal skills! It diminishes your work, undermines your authority, and—eventually—it stunts your professional growth. Pardon this brief interruption, but this is Career Contessa.

Join us for this episode of The Femails where we breakdown even more people-pleasing behaviors that might be undermining your hard work. A full transcription of the episode can be found here. Now, back to the article. Here are 10 signs that you might be suffering from people-pleasing—and how to nip it in the bud. This is a common trait of people pleasers. Whether it’s in a meeting, having a one-on-one conversation, or in the middle of a big negotiation, people pleasers tend to agree—even when they don’t.

There are certainly circumstances where sharing your personal or political opinions is not necessary. However, people pleasers tend to agree even when they vehemently disagree.

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